Missing my mom

As some of you know my mother is in heaven jabbering God's ear off as we type/read here.  The 17th, my youngest's birthday, is the anniversary of this day... her passing.  This weekend has been a hard one.  I miss her and last night it hit me pretty hard.  So today I thought I would take it easy on my blog and share some things about her, some old posts I have written about her and how i found out about her being so ill.  The tragic moments that led up to her death and my hatred for her father. 

I am sad today...

I am not too interested in talking to anyone either.  With moving into my old buildings I have found this year especially hard; heart breaking.  I can look out into the courtyard at the old broken down pool and remember the day that I snuck out and into the pool to swim.  I was not old enough to swim without an adult and it was a poorly hatched plan in the end.  When I came back upstairs she was livid and screaming... man I wish I could hear her scream right now, that would be lovely.  But now her voice slowly fades in my head, only a whisper soon to never be remembered.  I can remember so many nights sitting in the front parking lot in the middle of the night cause dad set something on fire.  I can remember the night he set a sleeping bag on fire, I wake up and mom is in the bathroom with the bag in the tub, saying he fell asleep with his cigarette again.  I can remember the time he tried to get me to devour the entire contents of the medicine cabinet, me just nodding as he pin-balled his way back down the hallway.  I remember mom yelling at him.  I remember my sister with her comforter of her coming to comfort and hug me.  I miss my sister.  I miss my mom.  I remember cleaning out her apartment and I remember how many things I wish I had kept and not let get thrown out.  I wish I had everything, I wish I still had her smell. 

I miss my mommy.  I want my mommy. 

I have linked to a couple posts here please visit them.