as my clothes slowly disintegrate

This summer has really be beautiful so far, especially with it starting so early!  Granted I am not usually one to love playing out in the sun; as I hate to be hot, but I have been really enjoying myself.  But not everything is great about summer... for instance; "immodestly" dressed females.  Now, don't get me wrong, when I had that kind of body i dressed the same way, I bet if i still did look that way i would still be dressing the same, but honestly cover up.  There are many great ways to look amazing without flaunting off half your body... swim suites obviously do not count here.

Now, for those of you who know me etc, I know what you are saying "your a hypocrite with those boobie shirts of yours!"  Well let me tell you this... how long have you seen me wearing those clothes??  Since before I was pregnant??  Well guess why i still wear those things people!  I CAN'T AFFORD NEW CLOTHING!  Honestly I literally have ZERO budget for it after my second son was born I was down to ONE small bra that was falling apart since I couldn't afford any new ones till just recently... but only cause it was EMERGENCY.  Now as all mothers know, we do put ourselves on the back burner... but i think this is just getting stupid.  I have not one item of clothing that fits me properly and everything I own has been mended multiple times.  I am hunting for hand-me-downs, as i know I wont be able to afford clothes for myself anytime in the near or distant future.

 I apologize for using this site as a soapbox for myself, it just "seams" lol, as though I have nothing else to write about.  My kids are healthy and driving me nuts, my husband is healthy and driving me to the loony bin and I myself have nearly lost my sanity.  What more can I say?  Other than... I NEED CLOTHES... sometime in the near future I will have nothing left but undies and my four new bras... *sigh*

Daddy don't preach

Only uneducated, stupid or sick people feel the need to use bottom feeding language, swear and criticize others to manipulate people, especially those trying to help them.  Pathetic nobody's grasping for self-importance.  Losers struggling to save face in their ignorant little universe of failures.  They lack the intelligence to express themselves adequately and are too dumb or twisted  to even know better.  Weirdly, they often feel proud of themselves.  That's the truly sad part and why they keep repeating the losing strategies that guarantee their perpetual failure.

What more can they do than act out like the two year olds they are in fact?  They just keep blaming and criticizing everyone else for the responses they get from their own behaviour and so never learn.  Consequently, they keep on failling.  Blame and denial - the twin sisters of psychopathology.  The self-created destiny they're too stupid, uneducated or sick to ever figure out.

I haven't gone beyond the first two sentences of this diatribe.  Why bother?  Stinks like self-pitying crap to educated, mature or intelligent people.  Hopefully you've written back to MA telling her the truth now that you've calmed down.  If you don't I'll do it for you - Facebook?.  Take a real long look in the mirror after your next shower and tell me what you see.  In detail.

Are you proud of yourself?  If yes, why?  If not, why?  Importantly, what are you going to do about it?

Dad

BTW Managed to catch up with 11 1/2 hours sleep the next day after none trying to help you. 

 That is the e-mail that started a feud between my father and I.  This of course, was after I blew up at him for sleeping away (meaning he got stoned and passed out around the time he was supposed to be at my house), the day when I had called him EARLY in the morning to help me.  Now my father has a pretty shitty track record (constantly standing our family up on the weekend, expecting to be able to do this and be welcome at my house EVERY weekend), and we were already on the rocks due to his behavior* and this was the tip of the iceberg.  He even caught wind of what my sister and I (we have different fathers), were saying about him... how do you ask?? BY GETTING INTO MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT and reading a conversation we had about him and his BS.  

I stopped talking to him or contacting him all together when I was about five months pregnant with my second child... hes three months now.  My father has continued to harass me and say horrible things to me such as:

How would you feel if your babies were taken away for no reason? I can tell you.‏

This was followed by text messages to my husbands phone about how he was going to call social services and get our kids taken away from us... pretty funny coming from a drunk-stoner living in dirty motel downtown a block from pigeon park.  This also coming from a man who couldn't manage to buy me new clothes when i needed them; but always managed to have pot and liquor for himself, this coming from a man who couldn't manage to send me to a dentist from grade eight onward.  Not only do i get these constant stupid messages but i receive mail to my in laws place, we have had to move, get the cops involved and he thinks that opening facebook accounts, e-mail addresses in both my child's name as well as myself is going to get me to forgive him.  Harassing me, calling me horrible things and tell me that i have his mental problems confused with my dead mothers is just sick, not helpful to our relationship.  The worst part he refers to my children as "his babies" or "our babies:"

I will always love you & our babies.

Regards

what is that??!  What kind of horrible man does this to his own child and grandchildren??  Needless to say we wont speak to him, see him or have anything to do with him.  Hes a stupid mindless drunk who thinks threatening us and belittling us will make us come back to him.  This is what happens to men with mommy issues; a message to mothers everywhere, do WHATEVER it takes to keep your relationship with your sons healthy cause they might end up dead beats like my wife-beating-drug-addict father.  I'll leave you with a few other random messages from my father (**note** these messages are usually just sentences in the subject line of the e-mail with e-mail addresses with my sons name and my name in them)

What happened to the young woman I loved & admired?
Dad

Blaming the victim - a jolly good travesty.‏

Why are you hiding? Are you ashamed? Is it worth it?‏

You're confusing me with your mother.

here are some of his e-mails; if you like spam him! :D

• Grandpa@LawrenceLoftus.com
• Grandpa@Mumfection.ca
• Lawrence.Loftus@shaw.ca
• Lawrence@LawrenceLoftus.com 
• SpamAttractor@shaw.ca
• PC@FreeAyre.com 
• Ditzel.Leztid@shaw.ca 
• cientia@gmail.com
• Eschelle_W@shaw.ca 
• eschelle_w@live.com 
• eschelle.westwood@gmail.com

         * smoking so much that it makes me uncomfortable having him near or holding my child, constantly rude to EVERY person we come into contact with when out to dinners or shopping, refusing to close MY HOUSE door when he smokes outside, bringing over HUGE pieces of meat from T & T and them being warm.. disgusting to an ex-vegetarian; plus he doesn't own a fridge and IS NOT SANITARY, cutting meat on my counter with the same knife as the veggies and not cleaning it in between, putting cooked meat on plates with RAW MEAT BLOOD, touch my kids in general, being expectant of respect he doesn't deserve, constantly complaining to me about his work problems when its him being an idiot, having to return to a restaurant after we've eaten there just to apologize for how he treated the staff... this list could go on forever...

all you need is love.

Now to introduce myself... the long way... (dates are estimates and this is paraphrased)

Now my goal here isn't to give you my life story, its just to give you the best idea of who I was and who I am now.  Let me be the one to say I have no idea what would have happened had I not come to Burnaby, but i highly doubt it would be as rewarding.  I have learned so much about myself, sometimes and usually the hard way, but nonetheless I have learned something.  

It all started with, yet another, eviction notice.  My father was classic for never being capable of keeping a place for very long, let a lone nine times out of ten it ended in an eviction.  So my father had managed to make us homeless and I forced to go and live with my ill (both mentally and physically) mother back in Burnaby where I grew up till about the age of eight.  Needless to say you can imagine that I was a pretty numb little girl towards my father and I was neither happy nor sad to leave him... honestly leaving him meant leaving my free pot source which I guess is where you would find my reservations towards leaving him.  Fact of the matter is I found myself in Burnaby... but I was attending High school in West Vancouver and I was enrolled in many specialty classes that weren't offered at many other schools... not to mention I was only about three months away from the end of my grade twelve year.  I was faced with a decision, screw up my last year of high school by staying in Burnaby and switching schools... or screwing up my last year of high school by not switching schools and staying in Burnaby.  I obviously just stayed with my current school, friends etc and added about a two hour commute two and from school EVERYDAY.  Not to mention the fact that my poor mother was on disability and could exactly afford to take care of me on a full time basis so I not only had to commute to school I had to be employed while doing so.  I got a job about a block from my mothers house in a bakery.  

The bakery was a great place to work with very supportive people who have known my mother and her crazy ways for a very long time.  But, with school, work, and of course basic teenage rebellion I can say that school kinda just stopped... waking up at 4am everyday and working until about 10pm at night wasn't working for me.  I would find myself doing my homework that i had no time for on the buses to and from school and I would find myself skipping classes to smoke pot and chill out from my constant feeling of impending doom!  But through the cloud of hazzy smoke and flour clouds I met my hubby.  He would make the muffins and I would drop, package, and sell them... it was love at first bake.  About a week into our relationship his childhood best friend was murdered, ironically during a poker game we didn't go to because "I didn't want to."  A week following I was kicked out of my moms house and living with him and his gracious family.  I don't think I have to say this about about six months of living with all of them we moved out into our own apartment which went very well for a few months but then...

Next six months was filled with a lot of stupid decisions.....

After the last six months of stupid decisions I found myself finally sober and back at my hubby's parents house yet again.  A few months after that I became pregnant with our first born.  Here I am nineteen and pregnant; very scared, and so thankful that my hubby didn't run screaming.  We decided to stick it threw and he was a man who stood up for his responsibilities.  We took care of eachother as best as we could living in and out of a lot of places about every few months just making ends meet.  By the time our little man had arrived we were still all over the place, but we were together emotionally.  We were amazing, this little man had brought to us an insane love I can't even describe.  

Three months later my mother passed away from lung cancer, killing me.  Now I am a young mother without my mother... taken from me because of the selfish decision to smoke.  My poor mother.  I managed to just live day to day, month to month when i found myself pregnant again... due date?  Feb. 17th 2010.... anniversary day of my mothers passing.  My second born was actually born on his exact due date (3% chance by the way), turning his birth into a "full circle moment" as Oprah would say.  So here I am, 22 two kids, dead mother, strong hubby... So what have I learned??

the only important thing you get out, and give to the world is love... nothing else.  

Wanted: Friends...

Remember how easy it was to make friends back in high school??  Rember how many friends that you had back then??  I am not saying that I am not friends with these people anymore but we are just all over the map.  And by all over the map I honestly mean all over the map, and I am proud of EVERY one of them for doing what they are doing!!  Anyhoo... sorry for trailing off there slightly.  Since becoming a young mother I have found it so hard to MAKE and KEEP friends.  I have no idea what it is about people in this area, young parents in general or w/e it may be I just can't seem to get along with anyone for very long these days.  Maybe I have "commitment issues" when it comes to friendships, maybe I get the feeling of being smothered or perhaps the commitment is just too great for me... or maybe I just have the attention spane of a goldfish and can't seem to be able to complete my side of the friendship bargain.  Whatever it is, its irritating and lonely.  Not only do I not have friends that I meet up with regularly, but I also don't have any parent friends; meaning my son has no kid friends.  Now I can see that my son is craving this other child interaction which is why i had started doing the in home daycare thing.  Needless to say, I then got pregnant and we moved into a smaller place so that stopped sooner than planned.  I went to that group "SMILE" for a while to only realize that I feel uncomfortable and judged when I go there, plus my eldest son has taken it upon himself to refuse to use our double stroller and unfortunately wont walk short or long distances and I can't possibly push two strollers at once.  Though the thought is very amusing and I bet would be a great show for the busy car owning public.  

So I am putting up this wanted ad in search for kindred spirits, local moms, lonely toddlers to save me from my tiring lonely life!  

I never knew that in my life I would be having to go out of my way to make friends.  Like I was saying before friends were so easy to come by back in the day... why is it so hard now???  Is it so hard to strike up a conversation with someone in the super market??  Is it that strange to exchange e-mails even if you have only known or talked to one another for a couple minutes??  Why am I the only person in the world that doesn't get approached or asked out for coffee???   Do I look that stressed and awful when I am out in public??!!  WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO PLEASE YOU !!?!?!??! 

In the end at least i'm glad my family has eachother, cause good solid relationships are hard to find, make and keep.... 

Toopy... Ruby... and many questions...

My eldest son ADORES this show, so much that I have been forced to go out and buy DVDs of it so I can have it on call in case of a meltdown; just as I have episodes of "In the Night Garden," as well.  Out of the two years of life that he has had and that I have been forced to watch this show.

I just have one question...  

Is "Toopy" a boy or a girl?

Now there are a lot of issues with this show; one being the mouse "Toopy" is way larger than "binoo" who is what looks to be a stuffed cat toy that comes to life... kinda like hobbes I assume.  Two being that you can't quite tell if Toopy is a boy or a girl.  Sounds like a boy, has a boy like shirt on, but when you remove this shirt what is under it is a little tank top like thing that is blue... BUT it has a pink bow on it... still confused at this point.  

Then they go and have him/her dressing up as a princess, mermaid, knights both male and female roles are being played by this mouse and I cannot handle not knowing EXACTLY what "toopy" is.  So I e-mailed the creators or close to them to try and find the answers.

What did I find??

An empty inbox and no answers but a pretty good hunch that Toopy is clearly a boy.  And while i'm asking these silly questions... where are max and Ruby's parents??! How come I ONLY see their grandmother and EVERY other parent or adult in the show?  Why is Ruby doing everything for max?? Is she an emancipated 6 and a half year old?!?!  (I only know her age cause of the episode with Roger where they made a big deal out of him being 7.)  I just don't understand??  Are they working in some far off country??  Why can't they help them get to the bus on time??  Why is Ruby making every meal?? I just don't understand, especially when you know for a fact that Grandma there lives in a completely different house.  Would it be so hard to draw at least ONE more character??  Could be a single parent that works all day but even they would be seen at bath time I am thinking. 

Just some food for thought, a small rant of pretty much no interest... BUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH KIDS SHOWS!!?!!?!